12 Ways Successful People Handle Toxic People

1. They Set Limits (Especially with
Complainers)
Complainers and negative people are bad news because
they wallow in their problems and fail to focus on
solutions. They want people to join their pity party so
that they can feel better about themselves. People often
feel pressure to listen to complainers because they don’t
want to be seen as callous or rude, but there’s a fine line
between lending a sympathetic ear and getting sucked
into their negative emotional spiral.
You can avoid this only by setting limits and distancing
yourself when necessary. Think of it this way: if the
complainer were smoking, would you sit there all
afternoon inhaling the second-hand smoke? You’d
distance yourself, and you should do the same with
complainers. A great way to set limits is to ask
complainers how they intend to fix the problem. They
will either quiet down or redirect the conversation in a
productive direction.
2. They Don’t Die in the Fight
Successful people know how important it is to live to
fight another day, especially when your foe is a toxic
individual. In conflict, unchecked emotion makes you dig
your heels in and fight the kind of battle that can leave
you severely damaged. When you read and respond to
your emotions, you’re able to choose your battles wisely
and only stand your ground when the time is right.
3. They Rise Above
Toxic people drive you crazy because their behavior is
so irrational. Make no mistake about it; their behavior
truly goes against reason. So why do you allow yourself
to respond to them emotionally and get sucked into the
mix?
The more irrational and off-base someone is, the easier
it should be for you to remove yourself from their traps.
Quit trying to beat them at their own game. Distance
yourself from them emotionally and approach your
interactions like they’re a science project (or you’re their
shrink, if you prefer the analogy). You don’t need to
respond to the emotional chaos—only the facts.
4. They Stay Aware of Their Emotions
Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness.
You can’t stop someone from pushing your buttons if
you don’t recognize when it’s happening. Sometimes
you’ll find yourself in situations where you’ll need to
regroup and choose the best way forward. This is fine
and you shouldn’t be afraid to buy yourself some time to
do so.
Think of it this way—if a mentally unstable person
approaches you on the street and tells you he’s John F.
Kennedy, you’re unlikely to set him straight. When you
find yourself with a coworker who is engaged in similarly
derailed thinking, sometimes it’s best to just smile and
nod. If you’re going to have to straighten them out, it’s
better to give yourself some time to plan the best way to
go about it.
5. They Establish Boundaries
This is the area where most people tend to sell
themselves short. They feel like because they work or
live with someone, they have no way to control the
chaos. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Once
you’ve found your way to Rise Above a person, you’ll
begin to find their behavior more predictable and easier
to understand. This will equip you to think rationally
about when and where you have to put up with them and
when you don’t. For example, even if you work with
someone closely on a project team, that doesn’t mean
that you need to have the same level of one-on-one
interaction with them that you have with other team
members.
Related: 9 Things Successful People Won't Do
You can establish a boundary, but you’ll have to do so
consciously and proactively. If you let things happen
naturally, you are bound to find yourself constantly
embroiled in difficult conversations. If you set
boundaries and decide when and where you’ll engage a
difficult person, you can control much of the chaos. The
only trick is to stick to your guns and keep boundaries in
place when the person tries to encroach upon them,
which they will.
6. They Won’t Let Anyone Limit Their Joy
When your sense of pleasure and satisfaction are
derived from the opinions of other people, you are no
longer the master of your own happiness. When
emotionally intelligent people feel good about something
that they’ve done, they won’t let anyone’s opinions or
snide remarks take that away from them.
While it’s impossible to turn off your reactions to what
others think of you, you don’t have to compare yourself
to others, and you can always take people’s opinions
with a grain of salt. That way, no matter what toxic
people are thinking or doing, your self-worth comes from
within. Regardless of what people think of you at any
particular moment, one thing is certain—you’re never as
good or bad as they say you are.
7. They Don’t Focus on Problems—Only
Solutions
Where you focus your attention determines your
emotional state. When you fixate on the problems you’re
facing, you create and prolong negative emotions and
stress. When you focus on actions to better yourself and
your circumstances, you create a sense of personal
efficacy that produces positive emotions and reduces
stress.
When it comes to toxic people, fixating on how crazy and
difficult they are gives them power over you. Quit
thinking about how troubling your difficult person is, and
focus instead on how you’re going to go about handling
them. This makes you more effective by putting you in
control, and it will reduce the amount of stress you
experience when interacting with them.
8. They Don’t Forget
Emotionally intelligent people are quick to forgive, but
that doesn’t mean that they forget. Forgiveness requires
letting go of what’s happened so that you can move on.
It doesn’t mean you’ll give a wrongdoer another chance.
Successful people are unwilling to be bogged down
unnecessarily by others’ mistakes, so they let them go
quickly and are assertive in protecting themselves from
future harm.
9. They Squash Negative Self-Talk
Sometimes you absorb the negativity of other people.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling bad about how
someone is treating you, but your self-talk (the thoughts
you have about your feelings) can either intensify the
negativity or help you move past it. Negative self-talk is
unrealistic, unnecessary, and self-defeating. It sends you
into a downward emotional spiral that is difficult to pull
out of. You should avoid negative self-talk at all costs.
10. They Limit Their Caffeine Intake
Drinking caffeine triggers the release of adrenaline.
Adrenaline is the source of the “fight-or-flight” response,
a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and
fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. The
fight-or-flight mechanism sidesteps rational thinking in
favor of a faster response. This is great when a bear is
chasing you, but not so great when you’re surprised in
the hallway by an angry coworker.
11. They Get Some Sleep
I’ve beaten this one to death over the years and can’t
say enough about the importance of sleep to increasing
your emotional intelligence and managing your stress
levels. When you sleep, your brain literally recharges,
shuffling through the day’s memories and storing or
discarding them (which causes dreams), so that you
wake up alert and clear-headed. Your self-control,
attention, and memory are all reduced when you don’t
get enough—or the right kind—of sleep. Sleep
deprivation raises stress hormone levels on its own,
even without a stressor present.
A good night’s sleep makes you more positive, creative,
and proactive in your approach to toxic people, giving
you the perspective you need to deal effectively with
them.
Related: How Successful People Stay Calm
12. They Use Their Support System
It’s tempting, yet entirely ineffective, to attempt tackling
everything by yourself. To deal with toxic people, you
need to recognize the weaknesses in your approach to
them. This means tapping into your support system to
gain perspective on a challenging person. Everyone has
someone at work and/or outside work who is on their
team, rooting for them, and ready to help them get the
best from a difficult situation. Identify these individuals
in your life and make an effort to seek their insight and
assistance when you need it. Something as simple as
explaining the situation can lead to a new perspective.
Most of the time, other people can see a solution that
you can’t because they are not as emotionally invested
in the situation.
Bringing It All Together
Before you get this system to work brilliantly, you’re
going to have to pass some tests. Most of the time, you
will find yourself tested by touchy interactions with
problem people. Thankfully, the plasticity of the brain
allows it to mold and change as you practice new
behaviors, even when you fail. Implementing these
healthy, stress-relieving techniques for dealing with
difficult people will train your brain to handle stress more
effectively and decrease the likelihood of ill effects.